It's been some time since I read over my birth story of Thomas. Very painful, and yet I read it with a certain kind of peace in me. It was almost like reading someone elses story. I could relate and felt sorrow for the loss. But it wasn't so gut wrenchingly painful as I know it truly was at the time.
My sorrow, I don't think, will ever go away. But my acceptance has grown. My ability to accept my grief has grown.
Just this morning I was thinking about my little one and missing him. I would like to hold him. But I know he knows no pain, or sadness or discomfort of this world. Those things I am grateful for. For a long long time my arms felt physically empty, like they just wanted to fall off. I looked at other babies and felt...like something was not fair, like happiness had been stolen from me. But I realize that was part of my grief talking. I look at babies now, not wanting to run from them, but wanting to hold them.
My husband recently brought us to a work party and one of his coworkers had a baby the same age as Thomas would be. We were due within days of one another. I so wanted to just hold him, but the whole idea made me want to sob. He was so beautiful. It was so precious to see her little one. And so I made like I was occupied with little Anneliese and walked away with a forced smile so I wouldn't make anyone uncomfortable with my tears.
I still think of him fairly often. But when I don't, the guilt is no longer there. For the most part. I would go for days feeling guilty that I hadn't thought about him for a minute. How silly of me! No one should live in that sad place...It will eat you up. Instead I like to think of him happily. He's like a happy thought. Bittersweet though! I remember his kicking very well. And his moving around. He was very lively. And that makes me happy. At our first ultrasound he was bouncing around like he was on a trampoline. Those memories make me laugh.
How has this affected the kids over the months?
Well, Anneliese is so young...She will grow up most likely not remembering a thing.
Anthony for a good while still talked quite a bit about Thomas. Up until just a few months ago actually. He mentioned to a neighbor that his brother died. I had a little explaining to do. I surprised myself with just giving the facts. And I was ok. Sad, but ok.
I believe the hardest time I've had so far was near my estimated due date. I was just very sad, and that was hard. But I made it through ok.
When his death date arrives in December, I anticipate it will be a difficult day for me as well. But I am trying to come up with a good way to celebrate his little life, rather than grieve it. It's a work in process, and once I come up with some idea of how to do that perhaps I will share again.